(no subject)
Dear all
If you have been missing a blue CHAS towel since Festival, please contact me.
If you have been missing a blue CHAS towel since Festival, please contact me.
reminder to myself
Mark Strizic: Melbourne - a City in Transition is at Gallery 101, 101 Collins Street, City, April 8-May 2. 101collins.com.au
Mark Strizic, Melbourne: Marvellous to Modern by Emma Matthews, Thames & Hudson in association with the State Library of Victoria, $100, available September.
Mark Strizic, Melbourne: Marvellous to Modern by Emma Matthews, Thames & Hudson in association with the State Library of Victoria, $100, available September.
Important News
It's my wife's Birthday
Hooray.
We're getting old together, it's great.
Buy her something nice, you bastards.
Hooray.
We're getting old together, it's great.
Buy her something nice, you bastards.
Dear Valued Former Client
Dear Client.
You don't realise it yet, but today was the last time I will be working for you. It's one of the advantages of being self-employed, I don't have to work with, or for, people that I don't like.
And I don't like you.
Now we get to the bit where it's like breaking up with a girlfriend. Imagine me patting you (platonicly) on the shoulder and saying "It's not you, it's me".
Lets be honest here, I'm smarter than I look and have a surprising degree of carefully hidden self-awareness. I'm passive-aggressive and I have class issues.
It offends me to listen to you cry poor. Today was the last straw. You asked me to rake up the leaves from the side path to your flat, and then quibbled over the measly sum of $15 to do so. You stressed to me that it was important because you wanted to create a good impression because you need to find a flatmate to help pay the rent (because you're poor).
Well too bad. Poor people don't pay others to sweep up after them. They do it themselves or they do without.
The rent you are apparently struggling with goes to your mother. By paying it you are helping to build a family asset. Let's not overlook the fact that your mum owns more houses than she can live in.
Now don't get me wrong, I consider myself rich these days. I own my own home and live in it with the woman I love. Life doesn't get better than that. But I don't run around wringing my hands and claiming poverty so that someone will give up their own time to give me a bargain price on cleaning up after me.
By the way poor people don't try to emphasise how poor they are by telling me that their credit card is maxed out because of a recent overseas holiday. Actually smart people don't try that either.
Working at your place this morning has left me in a grumpy mood all day, so I won't be coming back.
But I am looking forward to the next time you ring me to ask.
You don't realise it yet, but today was the last time I will be working for you. It's one of the advantages of being self-employed, I don't have to work with, or for, people that I don't like.
And I don't like you.
Now we get to the bit where it's like breaking up with a girlfriend. Imagine me patting you (platonicly) on the shoulder and saying "It's not you, it's me".
Lets be honest here, I'm smarter than I look and have a surprising degree of carefully hidden self-awareness. I'm passive-aggressive and I have class issues.
It offends me to listen to you cry poor. Today was the last straw. You asked me to rake up the leaves from the side path to your flat, and then quibbled over the measly sum of $15 to do so. You stressed to me that it was important because you wanted to create a good impression because you need to find a flatmate to help pay the rent (because you're poor).
Well too bad. Poor people don't pay others to sweep up after them. They do it themselves or they do without.
The rent you are apparently struggling with goes to your mother. By paying it you are helping to build a family asset. Let's not overlook the fact that your mum owns more houses than she can live in.
Now don't get me wrong, I consider myself rich these days. I own my own home and live in it with the woman I love. Life doesn't get better than that. But I don't run around wringing my hands and claiming poverty so that someone will give up their own time to give me a bargain price on cleaning up after me.
By the way poor people don't try to emphasise how poor they are by telling me that their credit card is maxed out because of a recent overseas holiday. Actually smart people don't try that either.
Working at your place this morning has left me in a grumpy mood all day, so I won't be coming back.
But I am looking forward to the next time you ring me to ask.
Co-Dependence - Living with Another's Addiction
Dear All,
today I arrived home from a day of hearty garden activity. I greeted my beloved with an ever cheerful "I came home because I love you."
"Fuck off", she replied. "I'm busy cataloging my wool collection for Ravellry"
She was sitting at her com-centre, surrounded by mounds of balls of wool and bags of balls of wool. At three in the afternoon she was bra-less, wearing pajamas and a truckies jacket.
I backed quietly out of the room.
Seeking solace in the kitchen I discovered that she had made, but not consumed her morning cup of tea.
I have taken it to her and am hopeful that normal service will be resumed shortly.
today I arrived home from a day of hearty garden activity. I greeted my beloved with an ever cheerful "I came home because I love you."
"Fuck off", she replied. "I'm busy cataloging my wool collection for Ravellry"
She was sitting at her com-centre, surrounded by mounds of balls of wool and bags of balls of wool. At three in the afternoon she was bra-less, wearing pajamas and a truckies jacket.
I backed quietly out of the room.
Seeking solace in the kitchen I discovered that she had made, but not consumed her morning cup of tea.
I have taken it to her and am hopeful that normal service will be resumed shortly.
make the world a better place.
I urge all to join me in wishing ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
vonstrassburg a happy birthday.
If, like me, you are unable to see him in the meat-world then send him a big lj hug.
If you can access his physical structure, then by all means, grind your pelvis against him until the mars bar in your pocket melts.
vonstrassburg a happy birthday.If, like me, you are unable to see him in the meat-world then send him a big lj hug.
If you can access his physical structure, then by all means, grind your pelvis against him until the mars bar in your pocket melts.
Mail on a Sunday
A letter from the manufacturer....
Dear Tenbears.
I write to thank you for your recent purchase of a Trade Air brand paint and putty spray gun. It is, I assure you, a high quality product that will provide you with years of reliable service. Trade Air is a division of Spear and Jackson, a well branded company with a long history of manufacturing top quality garden tools with no moving parts.
I write also to clarify certain points which have caused some difficulty with, or mis-use of, our product.
No doubt you are aware that our product is now manufactured offshore (to our exacting specifications) as are the user manual and packaging. Translation is a tricky, tricky business and can be a major source of user dissatisfaction.
First of all, allow me to address the packaging and its many easily mis-interpretted claims.
Putty spray gun, suitable for all thicker products including putty, latex, enamels etc This may have misled you to believe that our product is capable of spraying thicker products such as putty, latex, enamels etc. In fact the product is only suitable for industrial solvents, and those must be thinned before use.
Suitable for home or commercial use This product has no use in those environments. It may have some use at sea for all I know. It might also be appropriate in a public school or govenment department where the user is already acclimatised to disappointment.
Spray All instances of the word spray should be read to mean squirt and/or dribble.
User Manual read as useless pamphlet
Trigger This item is referred to in the "diagram of working parts". It is called a trigger because it looks a bit like one. It serves no function at all. It is NOT intended to control the on/off function in any way. That function is performed by the shut-off valve on the compressor (provided by the user).
diagram of working parts None of the parts work.
fully sealed By fully we obviously mean inadequately. All the seals in this unit are optional and may be removed to save weight without any discernable decrease in performance. After thorough cleaning, they may then be placed on your willy for all we care.
fully adjustable A large number of loose, fiddlesome or threaded components are included in the unit. Feel free to "adjust" them if you wish. It will have no effect at all on the overall squirt and/or dribble function, but may allow you to select the area of greatest leakage. Then again, maybe not.
Blue in colour Actually, this is true.
Thanking you for your time,
E J Fuckelbow.
Dear Tenbears.
I write to thank you for your recent purchase of a Trade Air brand paint and putty spray gun. It is, I assure you, a high quality product that will provide you with years of reliable service. Trade Air is a division of Spear and Jackson, a well branded company with a long history of manufacturing top quality garden tools with no moving parts.
I write also to clarify certain points which have caused some difficulty with, or mis-use of, our product.
No doubt you are aware that our product is now manufactured offshore (to our exacting specifications) as are the user manual and packaging. Translation is a tricky, tricky business and can be a major source of user dissatisfaction.
First of all, allow me to address the packaging and its many easily mis-interpretted claims.
Putty spray gun, suitable for all thicker products including putty, latex, enamels etc This may have misled you to believe that our product is capable of spraying thicker products such as putty, latex, enamels etc. In fact the product is only suitable for industrial solvents, and those must be thinned before use.
Suitable for home or commercial use This product has no use in those environments. It may have some use at sea for all I know. It might also be appropriate in a public school or govenment department where the user is already acclimatised to disappointment.
Spray All instances of the word spray should be read to mean squirt and/or dribble.
User Manual read as useless pamphlet
Trigger This item is referred to in the "diagram of working parts". It is called a trigger because it looks a bit like one. It serves no function at all. It is NOT intended to control the on/off function in any way. That function is performed by the shut-off valve on the compressor (provided by the user).
diagram of working parts None of the parts work.
fully sealed By fully we obviously mean inadequately. All the seals in this unit are optional and may be removed to save weight without any discernable decrease in performance. After thorough cleaning, they may then be placed on your willy for all we care.
fully adjustable A large number of loose, fiddlesome or threaded components are included in the unit. Feel free to "adjust" them if you wish. It will have no effect at all on the overall squirt and/or dribble function, but may allow you to select the area of greatest leakage. Then again, maybe not.
Blue in colour Actually, this is true.
Thanking you for your time,
E J Fuckelbow.
(no subject)
Blame vikingrose
The first five people to respond to this post, will get some form of art, by me. I make no guarantees about quality, type, or timely delivery but I will assure that I will give it a good effort. Maybe. The only catch, of course; as with most memes, if you sign up, you have to put this in your own journal as well.
Needless to say, anyone that knows me well (or even at all) will be aware that delivery may not be particularly prompt.
People who are already waiting for massively overdue items from me are welcome to apply, but may not add their existing item to the list, this is for new tasks only.
vikingroseThe first five people to respond to this post, will get some form of art, by me. I make no guarantees about quality, type, or timely delivery but I will assure that I will give it a good effort. Maybe. The only catch, of course; as with most memes, if you sign up, you have to put this in your own journal as well.
Needless to say, anyone that knows me well (or even at all) will be aware that delivery may not be particularly prompt.
People who are already waiting for massively overdue items from me are welcome to apply, but may not add their existing item to the list, this is for new tasks only.
Jimming News
One of the minor irritations of being franchised with someone elses name ie Jim's Mowing is that many people like to address me as "Jim" and then laugh like it's the funniest thing one earth. I call these people "customers". I do their work, I take their money and then I hire thugs to break their hands and knees with a length of iron pipe.
Don't call your mowing guy Jim!
Oddly enough, we do use the term "in-house" at our secret Jim-meetings. It is used as a term of formal address. I, for instance, am known as Jim Tenbears. A friend of mine is known as Jim Darryl, our regional franchisor is known as Jim Boofhead. You can see how it goes. The great and mighty Jim Penman, founder of the empire, is addressed as Jim One or Jim Big Jim.
I met him recently, or to be exact, was called into his office for questioning.
The great man sat behind his desk and smiled as I entered the room. After a brief round of formalities including (but not limited to) secret handshakes we got down to business.
Jim Big Jim placed an item on the desk between us and asked if I might, by any chance, have any idea what it might be.
Jim Tenbears It's a hammer
Jim Big Jim Could you elaborate any? Perhaps tell me a little more about it? Anything at all?
Jim Tenbears At first glance I would have to say it's a gnoming mallet.
Jim Big Jim A what?
Jim Tenbears A gnoming mallet. A hammer designed for striking gnomes.
Jim Big Jim Striking?
Jim Tenbears Well smashing, really. A gnoming mallet is one that's designed for smashing garden gnomes with. It's something of a specialty item, purpose built, not unlike a geologists hammer.
Jim Big Jim What can you tell me about this particular one?
Jim Tenbears *takes closer look* It's a good one. Le Snarf brand, made in France, pretty much the market leader in Europe as far as gnoming mallets go. They sell more mallets and have a greater range than anyone else on the Continent.
jbj places another mallet on the desk
Jim Big Jim Fair enough. And what about this one?
Jim Tenbears That's an Estwing. An American firm that still manufactures in America, although many of their components are sourced in Mexico. Unlike Le Snarf they also market several lines of non-gnoming hammers and axes.
Jim Big Jim Non-gnoming?
Jim Tenbears Hammers or mallets designed for purposes other than smashing gnomes. There's still a market for them, I guess.
two more mallets are placed on the desk
Jim Big Jim What about this matching pair?
Jim Tenbears Hardly a matching pair. The one on the right is a Gushtigg, made in Germany. They have a proprietary heat treating process that is widely held to maintain hardness but reduce chipping and sparking. It's a good mallet. The other is a Korean knock off marketed under the brand Gushtiig.
Jim Big Jim Is that all?
Jim Tenbears Without picking them both up I'm prepared to bet that the Korean is heavier, but the balance is all wrong. I know they look the same, but the grip on the German one is directly cast onto a carefully shaped and weighted shaft. The cheapie has a mass produced grip glued onto a solid cylindrical shaft.
Jim Big Jim What's this
another hammer goes on the table
Jim Tenbears A Sendaiko. Made in Japan, designed and built by computer. Expensive but more for the serious hobbyist than trade use.
Jim Big Jim This?
Jim Tenbears Mondial. Made with high tech German steel and engineering combined with affordable, but skilled, brazillian labour. Probably the best value mallet available for professional use.
Jim Big Jim And this?
Jim Tenbears Competition mallet. Specifically a cupper. Used only on hollow plaster or ceramic gnomes, the aim is to leave the feet intact with as much of the rubble as possible caught or "cupped" in the feet. That one is hand made. By the look of it I'd say it was forged for someone about two inches taller than me.
Jim Big Jim Here's a photo. What would you say if I had one of these?
Jim Tenbears One of these? Fuck, there is only one. If you had it I'd ring Scotland Yard, or maybe the Queen of England herself.
Jim Big Jim What?
Jim Tenbears That's the Mallet of Antignome. It is the oldest known gnoming mallet in the world. It's the only hammer mentioned by name in the Domesday Book. King Richard is believed to have used it personally to smite at least a thousand gnomes whilst on Crusade. Except for ceremonial occasions it hasn't left the Tower of London in over three hundred years. Legend has it that if it were to be lost to England, the six crows would leave and England would sink without a trace.
Jim Big Jim Ceremonial occasions?
Jim Tenbears Once every seven years a competition is held in Great Britain. The winner is granted the title Royal Gnomer and is allowed to smite a single gnome with it. Most winners never compete again on a professional level. No other hammer will ever feel the as good.
Jim Big Jim Go on
Jim Tenbears It holds great power. It carries with it the strength of all who have held it before. It always strikes true. It is the single greatest hammer in the world. I, for one, refuse to die until I have seen it.
Jim Big Jim Your eyes are growing a little misty, would you like a tissue.
Jim Tenbears Thank you, no. I will be alright. Are there any other questions?
Jim Big Jim Mrs Snedpumple of 16 Fubble Avenue says one of her antique garden gnomes is missing. Would you happen know anything about it?
Jim Tenbears A hollow one, cast rather than molded, a whimsical piece depicting a short bearded chappie with a newspaper in one hand and a roll of toilet paper in the other, English, most likely dating from the late 1940's.
Jim Big Jim That's the one.
Jim Tenbears Can't say I've ever noticed it.
Jim Big Jim Fair enough. Thanks for popping by.
I stand and prepare to leave
( pun warning )
Don't call your mowing guy Jim!
Oddly enough, we do use the term "in-house" at our secret Jim-meetings. It is used as a term of formal address. I, for instance, am known as Jim Tenbears. A friend of mine is known as Jim Darryl, our regional franchisor is known as Jim Boofhead. You can see how it goes. The great and mighty Jim Penman, founder of the empire, is addressed as Jim One or Jim Big Jim.
I met him recently, or to be exact, was called into his office for questioning.
The great man sat behind his desk and smiled as I entered the room. After a brief round of formalities including (but not limited to) secret handshakes we got down to business.
Jim Big Jim placed an item on the desk between us and asked if I might, by any chance, have any idea what it might be.
Jim Tenbears It's a hammer
Jim Big Jim Could you elaborate any? Perhaps tell me a little more about it? Anything at all?
Jim Tenbears At first glance I would have to say it's a gnoming mallet.
Jim Big Jim A what?
Jim Tenbears A gnoming mallet. A hammer designed for striking gnomes.
Jim Big Jim Striking?
Jim Tenbears Well smashing, really. A gnoming mallet is one that's designed for smashing garden gnomes with. It's something of a specialty item, purpose built, not unlike a geologists hammer.
Jim Big Jim What can you tell me about this particular one?
Jim Tenbears *takes closer look* It's a good one. Le Snarf brand, made in France, pretty much the market leader in Europe as far as gnoming mallets go. They sell more mallets and have a greater range than anyone else on the Continent.
jbj places another mallet on the desk
Jim Big Jim Fair enough. And what about this one?
Jim Tenbears That's an Estwing. An American firm that still manufactures in America, although many of their components are sourced in Mexico. Unlike Le Snarf they also market several lines of non-gnoming hammers and axes.
Jim Big Jim Non-gnoming?
Jim Tenbears Hammers or mallets designed for purposes other than smashing gnomes. There's still a market for them, I guess.
two more mallets are placed on the desk
Jim Big Jim What about this matching pair?
Jim Tenbears Hardly a matching pair. The one on the right is a Gushtigg, made in Germany. They have a proprietary heat treating process that is widely held to maintain hardness but reduce chipping and sparking. It's a good mallet. The other is a Korean knock off marketed under the brand Gushtiig.
Jim Big Jim Is that all?
Jim Tenbears Without picking them both up I'm prepared to bet that the Korean is heavier, but the balance is all wrong. I know they look the same, but the grip on the German one is directly cast onto a carefully shaped and weighted shaft. The cheapie has a mass produced grip glued onto a solid cylindrical shaft.
Jim Big Jim What's this
another hammer goes on the table
Jim Tenbears A Sendaiko. Made in Japan, designed and built by computer. Expensive but more for the serious hobbyist than trade use.
Jim Big Jim This?
Jim Tenbears Mondial. Made with high tech German steel and engineering combined with affordable, but skilled, brazillian labour. Probably the best value mallet available for professional use.
Jim Big Jim And this?
Jim Tenbears Competition mallet. Specifically a cupper. Used only on hollow plaster or ceramic gnomes, the aim is to leave the feet intact with as much of the rubble as possible caught or "cupped" in the feet. That one is hand made. By the look of it I'd say it was forged for someone about two inches taller than me.
Jim Big Jim Here's a photo. What would you say if I had one of these?
Jim Tenbears One of these? Fuck, there is only one. If you had it I'd ring Scotland Yard, or maybe the Queen of England herself.
Jim Big Jim What?
Jim Tenbears That's the Mallet of Antignome. It is the oldest known gnoming mallet in the world. It's the only hammer mentioned by name in the Domesday Book. King Richard is believed to have used it personally to smite at least a thousand gnomes whilst on Crusade. Except for ceremonial occasions it hasn't left the Tower of London in over three hundred years. Legend has it that if it were to be lost to England, the six crows would leave and England would sink without a trace.
Jim Big Jim Ceremonial occasions?
Jim Tenbears Once every seven years a competition is held in Great Britain. The winner is granted the title Royal Gnomer and is allowed to smite a single gnome with it. Most winners never compete again on a professional level. No other hammer will ever feel the as good.
Jim Big Jim Go on
Jim Tenbears It holds great power. It carries with it the strength of all who have held it before. It always strikes true. It is the single greatest hammer in the world. I, for one, refuse to die until I have seen it.
Jim Big Jim Your eyes are growing a little misty, would you like a tissue.
Jim Tenbears Thank you, no. I will be alright. Are there any other questions?
Jim Big Jim Mrs Snedpumple of 16 Fubble Avenue says one of her antique garden gnomes is missing. Would you happen know anything about it?
Jim Tenbears A hollow one, cast rather than molded, a whimsical piece depicting a short bearded chappie with a newspaper in one hand and a roll of toilet paper in the other, English, most likely dating from the late 1940's.
Jim Big Jim That's the one.
Jim Tenbears Can't say I've ever noticed it.
Jim Big Jim Fair enough. Thanks for popping by.
I stand and prepare to leave
( pun warning )
to go to be on it at
"The bus leaves from Brighton which is ten minutes walk from here. What time does Tenbears have to go to be on it at seven o'clock?"
How long a phrase can people make using only two letter words?
How long a phrase can people make using only two letter words?
(no subject)
Some time ago ( more than ten years, less than sixteen) I was merrily hitting away at something with a hammer, when all of a sudden my left hand starts bleeding. Bleeding quite a lot, actually, and stinging to boot.
Naturally I assumed that a bit of thing being hit had broken loose and cut me. I had a bit of a poke at the wound and gave it an exploratory probing with a pointed thing. I couldn't see anything in the hole, but over the ensuing days came to suspect that there might be something lodged in there after all. The wound healed, complete with scar, which being on the web between thumb and forefinger, rubbed annoyiungly on things and became a callous. Life goes on.
Every now and again, over the years I have been tempted to have the matter looked into. Sometimes it would hurt for no reason, sometimes it would hurt because I squeezed it to see if it still felt like there was something in there.
Leaping forward to the almost present day, Tenbears becomes a brave and studly mowing guy. I developed a great many more callouses and the one in question became quite pronounced. And sore. It was in a bit that would have calloused up anyway because it rubs against the mower handle. Squeezing or poking of any kind produced a surprising amount of hurty, but the callous was now too solid to feel anything inside it.
So I took a sharp thing to it. I dug in quite a way, past the unfeeling callous to the soft pink bleedy tender part of the skin. No sign of any foreign objects. Back to Plan A (formulated over a decade ago) of having a doctor or someone x-ray it to establish once and for all if there really is a small piece of hammer (or being hammered thing) stuck in me. Naturally i couldn't go to a quack straight away, what with my hand showing clear evidence of home surgery and all, so I decided to wait until it was all healed and rescarred again. It healed and the problem went onto the back burner again, the way, way back burner.
Last night, however, it was particularly sore. Squeezing made it even sorer. Ouch! Most importantly, though, under strongish light I thought I could make out a tiny dark spot nestled in the centre of the transluscent scar tissue. I decided to go in again.
I got a clean new scalpel blade from the tin ( a No. 26, in case you were wondering), a tissue to tidy the mess up with, checked my e-mail and lj then got down to it.
I was worried the the dark point might just be a blood spot left over from my last attempt, but when I reached it there was quite a solid feel to it. In fact the point of the blade made a noticable metal on metal sound when poking at it. I tried putting the point of the scalpel under it to lever it out but nothing happened.
At this point, some readers might be thinking "isn't this one of those things you're not supposed to try at home?" or maybe "did you wash your hands first?". Both good points.
In gardening, people often have trouble digging trees out because they start the hole too close to the tree. A hole for digging things out of needs to be big enough to manouver in. So i dug a little deeper and a little wider. I could get the scalpel blade under the top of the metal splinter, but I still couldn't lever it out. Giving the area a good squeeze made the splinter more visible but as soon as I stopped squeezing to pick up the scalpel it would recede again. I don't like asking for help, so I was on the verge of going out to the shed to get a clamp. I decided to give it one last squeeze before widening the hole again.
Out popped the splinter, AND IT WAS FUCKING HUGE!!!! It wasn't actually a splinter at all it was a CHUNK OF METAL. Maybe it was the euphoria of a job well done, or possibly the result of blood loss, but my arm felt noticable lighter. I trimmed the ragged edges of the hole and went to show the Noodles my trophy.
=====
Surgery at Home with Tenbears - Your Questions Answered
Yes, it hurt a bit, but not as much as i was expecting.
No, I didn't take any photos of the proceedure.
Yes, I am keeping the chunk. It is currently taped to back of a business card, tacked to my wall. I will build a display cabinet for it after Festival.
Yes,splodgenoodles was very proud of me.
No, I was sober.
Naturally I assumed that a bit of thing being hit had broken loose and cut me. I had a bit of a poke at the wound and gave it an exploratory probing with a pointed thing. I couldn't see anything in the hole, but over the ensuing days came to suspect that there might be something lodged in there after all. The wound healed, complete with scar, which being on the web between thumb and forefinger, rubbed annoyiungly on things and became a callous. Life goes on.
Every now and again, over the years I have been tempted to have the matter looked into. Sometimes it would hurt for no reason, sometimes it would hurt because I squeezed it to see if it still felt like there was something in there.
Leaping forward to the almost present day, Tenbears becomes a brave and studly mowing guy. I developed a great many more callouses and the one in question became quite pronounced. And sore. It was in a bit that would have calloused up anyway because it rubs against the mower handle. Squeezing or poking of any kind produced a surprising amount of hurty, but the callous was now too solid to feel anything inside it.
So I took a sharp thing to it. I dug in quite a way, past the unfeeling callous to the soft pink bleedy tender part of the skin. No sign of any foreign objects. Back to Plan A (formulated over a decade ago) of having a doctor or someone x-ray it to establish once and for all if there really is a small piece of hammer (or being hammered thing) stuck in me. Naturally i couldn't go to a quack straight away, what with my hand showing clear evidence of home surgery and all, so I decided to wait until it was all healed and rescarred again. It healed and the problem went onto the back burner again, the way, way back burner.
Last night, however, it was particularly sore. Squeezing made it even sorer. Ouch! Most importantly, though, under strongish light I thought I could make out a tiny dark spot nestled in the centre of the transluscent scar tissue. I decided to go in again.
I got a clean new scalpel blade from the tin ( a No. 26, in case you were wondering), a tissue to tidy the mess up with, checked my e-mail and lj then got down to it.
I was worried the the dark point might just be a blood spot left over from my last attempt, but when I reached it there was quite a solid feel to it. In fact the point of the blade made a noticable metal on metal sound when poking at it. I tried putting the point of the scalpel under it to lever it out but nothing happened.
At this point, some readers might be thinking "isn't this one of those things you're not supposed to try at home?" or maybe "did you wash your hands first?". Both good points.
In gardening, people often have trouble digging trees out because they start the hole too close to the tree. A hole for digging things out of needs to be big enough to manouver in. So i dug a little deeper and a little wider. I could get the scalpel blade under the top of the metal splinter, but I still couldn't lever it out. Giving the area a good squeeze made the splinter more visible but as soon as I stopped squeezing to pick up the scalpel it would recede again. I don't like asking for help, so I was on the verge of going out to the shed to get a clamp. I decided to give it one last squeeze before widening the hole again.
Out popped the splinter, AND IT WAS FUCKING HUGE!!!! It wasn't actually a splinter at all it was a CHUNK OF METAL. Maybe it was the euphoria of a job well done, or possibly the result of blood loss, but my arm felt noticable lighter. I trimmed the ragged edges of the hole and went to show the Noodles my trophy.
=====
Surgery at Home with Tenbears - Your Questions Answered
Yes, it hurt a bit, but not as much as i was expecting.
No, I didn't take any photos of the proceedure.
Yes, I am keeping the chunk. It is currently taped to back of a business card, tacked to my wall. I will build a display cabinet for it after Festival.
Yes,
splodgenoodles was very proud of me.No, I was sober.
A problem with the mowing job
Rubbish.
Some stuff is just too good to throw away.
Sooo....
Does anyone want their very own personal one hole mini golf course?
Some stuff is just too good to throw away.
Sooo....
Does anyone want their very own personal one hole mini golf course?
4:40 am.
hooray..... it's 4:40 am-in-the-morning-o'clock and I'm about to go to bed. I've just put the last batch of sausages in the fridge for tomorrow night. I've also put some in the freezer for the good folk of Arrowsreach to serve at Stickjox. There are four kinds; zervelat, bratwurst, the never terribly popular liver,sage and onion and I've had one last go at the ill-fated cornish ones. If the cornish don't pan out this time I'm going to give in and find a recipe for them.
but the very best bit about it being 4:40 am-in-the-morning-o'clock is that only three short months ago that would be the time the alarm would be set for on weekdays. Kiss my lean muscular arse, Australia Post, kiss my arse. Then use mouthwash so you can suck my dick as well.
This has been Tenbears wishing you all (except Australia Post) a very happy new years eve.
but the very best bit about it being 4:40 am-in-the-morning-o'clock is that only three short months ago that would be the time the alarm would be set for on weekdays. Kiss my lean muscular arse, Australia Post, kiss my arse. Then use mouthwash so you can suck my dick as well.
This has been Tenbears wishing you all (except Australia Post) a very happy new years eve.
Forty Year Old Businessman Tells All.
As many of you know, I am no longer with the postal service. I am now a 40 year old businessman.
One part of my business is the hauling away of rubbish. I go to peoples' houses, load their crap into my trailer and they give me fat skads of cash. Most people's crap is just that, crap. Yesterday, however, a customer gave me some very prime crap indeed.
Not only did they offer me a cold drink and a hand loading the trailer (both of which I declined thankyou very much), they also gave me:
-a Bailey Industrial Extending Ladder (3.7m extends to 5.1m),
-a four person dome tent (better than the one my beloved already owns which is currently on loan of unspecified duration to brother-in-law),
-new storage crates for the van,
-four beech folding garden chairs (at least one of which I intend to spend tomorrow night in, happy new year everybody),
-various gardening implements(to be used by my business),
-lengths of chain (various link sizes),
-some nifty plumbing gear,
-assorted handy stuff of no consequence,
-an irrigation system,
-the dearest little skateboard,
-and (strap yourselves into the green seat of envy everybody) a fuck-off-big Dawn engineering vice.
Did I mention they also gave me money?
On an entirely unrelated note, if anybody wants to borrow, rent or buy a Bailey Industrial Extending Ladder(3.7m, flops out to be a real beauty*) feel free to contact me.
10B
----------
*Thankyou Lounge Discounter.
One part of my business is the hauling away of rubbish. I go to peoples' houses, load their crap into my trailer and they give me fat skads of cash. Most people's crap is just that, crap. Yesterday, however, a customer gave me some very prime crap indeed.
Not only did they offer me a cold drink and a hand loading the trailer (both of which I declined thankyou very much), they also gave me:
-a Bailey Industrial Extending Ladder (3.7m extends to 5.1m),
-a four person dome tent (better than the one my beloved already owns which is currently on loan of unspecified duration to brother-in-law),
-new storage crates for the van,
-four beech folding garden chairs (at least one of which I intend to spend tomorrow night in, happy new year everybody),
-various gardening implements(to be used by my business),
-lengths of chain (various link sizes),
-some nifty plumbing gear,
-assorted handy stuff of no consequence,
-an irrigation system,
-the dearest little skateboard,
-and (strap yourselves into the green seat of envy everybody) a fuck-off-big Dawn engineering vice.
Did I mention they also gave me money?
On an entirely unrelated note, if anybody wants to borrow, rent or buy a Bailey Industrial Extending Ladder(3.7m, flops out to be a real beauty*) feel free to contact me.
10B
----------
*Thankyou Lounge Discounter.
Oscar Wilde is the new black.
Class up your journal with a little bit of O. Wilde.
splodgenoodles is doing it.
hespa is doing it.
Someone calledfeyandstrange is apparently doing it.
"That's just fucked, and it's you're fault so piss off"
Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Brutally Earnest"
splodgenoodles is doing it.hespa is doing it.Someone called
feyandstrange is apparently doing it."That's just fucked, and it's you're fault so piss off"
Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Brutally Earnest"
Domestic Matters.
Here at the House of Bear and Noodles, things have been a mite on the slack side domestically of late.
We have been hauling in crap loads of stuff from the Noodles' ancestral home, and neglecting to create room for it by getting rid of old stuff. It should be noted that prior to the commencement of this endeavor our house was not, by any standard measure, empty. In fact it was a little bit cluttered to begin with. To be honest, we were drowning in stuff, afraid to move lest the vibrations set off another crapolanche and bury us both.
Naturally there is no point in us picking up after ourselves if, having tidily picked an item up, there is no where else to put it. Never mind.
We have fallen behind in the dishwashing. By we I mean I and by dishwashing I mean putting things in the dishwasher and switching it on. Never mind.
What I really want to bitch about is Laundry.
Our laundry pile is huge. It used to be a laundry basket (and I suspect that the basket is still in there somewhere) but it got out of hand. Our laundry pile now resembles- in terms of height, weight, smell and likelihood of fire- a tyre mountain, and I mean the kind of tire mountain that belongs to a place that is environmentally concerned enough to put all their old tyres in one place, but not environmentally concerned enough to throw them in the ocean and call them "reef enhancement".
There are no socks to wear. Actually, there are socks but they are all summer weight socks. I want decent thick warm woolly winter weight socks! So I decided to wash some. I divided the laundry into two piles. One pile for things that are socks and one pile for things that exhibit less socklike qualities. Things which are, through no fault of their own, not socks.
I made quite a respectable pile of socks. I un-wadded them all to make sure they wash well. I repiled the non-sock pile to make sure there were no johnnie-come-lately socks trapped in the rubble. As I did so I counted them. There are only two us in the House of Bear and Noodle, but there are still ninety-one items waiting to be laundered.
Ninety-one items waiting to be washed. Not including socks. This ninety-one item pile of non-socks also does not include:-
Things waiting to be dry cleaned.
Medieval costumes.
Items of clothing that have been worn already but may be good for another wear if the time seems right.
Towels. There were some dirty towels but I put them with the other dirty towels ie on the laundry floor, the bathroom floor and the heated towel rail.
Finally the pile of socks was hauled to the laundry where I discovered, much to my un-delight, that the washing machine was not empty. Furthermore, not full of clean but damp clothing patiently waiting for a ride in the tumble drier. No indeedy not! The washing machine was filled with items that had been neither washed nor counted.
If anyone needs me I'll be out buying enough warm socks to last me until summer.
We have been hauling in crap loads of stuff from the Noodles' ancestral home, and neglecting to create room for it by getting rid of old stuff. It should be noted that prior to the commencement of this endeavor our house was not, by any standard measure, empty. In fact it was a little bit cluttered to begin with. To be honest, we were drowning in stuff, afraid to move lest the vibrations set off another crapolanche and bury us both.
Naturally there is no point in us picking up after ourselves if, having tidily picked an item up, there is no where else to put it. Never mind.
We have fallen behind in the dishwashing. By we I mean I and by dishwashing I mean putting things in the dishwasher and switching it on. Never mind.
What I really want to bitch about is Laundry.
Our laundry pile is huge. It used to be a laundry basket (and I suspect that the basket is still in there somewhere) but it got out of hand. Our laundry pile now resembles- in terms of height, weight, smell and likelihood of fire- a tyre mountain, and I mean the kind of tire mountain that belongs to a place that is environmentally concerned enough to put all their old tyres in one place, but not environmentally concerned enough to throw them in the ocean and call them "reef enhancement".
There are no socks to wear. Actually, there are socks but they are all summer weight socks. I want decent thick warm woolly winter weight socks! So I decided to wash some. I divided the laundry into two piles. One pile for things that are socks and one pile for things that exhibit less socklike qualities. Things which are, through no fault of their own, not socks.
I made quite a respectable pile of socks. I un-wadded them all to make sure they wash well. I repiled the non-sock pile to make sure there were no johnnie-come-lately socks trapped in the rubble. As I did so I counted them. There are only two us in the House of Bear and Noodle, but there are still ninety-one items waiting to be laundered.
Ninety-one items waiting to be washed. Not including socks. This ninety-one item pile of non-socks also does not include:-
Things waiting to be dry cleaned.
Medieval costumes.
Items of clothing that have been worn already but may be good for another wear if the time seems right.
Towels. There were some dirty towels but I put them with the other dirty towels ie on the laundry floor, the bathroom floor and the heated towel rail.
Finally the pile of socks was hauled to the laundry where I discovered, much to my un-delight, that the washing machine was not empty. Furthermore, not full of clean but damp clothing patiently waiting for a ride in the tumble drier. No indeedy not! The washing machine was filled with items that had been neither washed nor counted.
If anyone needs me I'll be out buying enough warm socks to last me until summer.
People in cars are scum.
I came out of the butchers (after a non-win in the pizzle buying stakes, but with bonus rant from butcher) to be greeted at my bike by the cheerful man from the tobacconists.
It seems some scumbag has backed over my tattered but much loved motorcycle. Not to worry, the nice chappie from the smoke shop has the details. They heard it happen and came out to take down the rego. Then the lady responsible went into the shop and gave them her name and phone number. All good so far.
Back in the street, the lady from the homewares shop called out to say she saw it happen and took down the rego. We compared notes. She gave me an entirely different registration number and vehicle description. I'm guessing she heard rather than saw the racket and raced out to see someone driving off without leaving details. I thanked her for her time.
At home, I rang a spare parts place and got prices. I rang the phone number I had been given to let them know what they were up for and make arrangements.
Oh looky looky. In her distress little Miss I'm-So-Sorry-I've-Got-A-Child-In-The-Car-Woe-Is-Me has accidentally left the wrong phone number. A disconnected number, in fact.
At the police station the nice constable checked both sets of rego on the computer. Both match their respective descriptions. Like me, Constable Fairly Cute feels the one who gave "her name and number" is most likely responsible. That vehicle is not registered in the name that was left with the phone number. Not in itself a crime, it might very well be someone else's car. The police have filled in a report and have already called me back with a question, so they are clearly onto the case. The driver had better hope she didn't accidentally leave the wrong name as well.
I was going to buy parts the needed parts and fix the thing myself, when I thought she had done the right thing. Now I'm beginning to think it might be better to get a formal written quote that includes labor costs as well.
Needless to say it was one of those dinky little sports-suburban four wheel drives.
It seems some scumbag has backed over my tattered but much loved motorcycle. Not to worry, the nice chappie from the smoke shop has the details. They heard it happen and came out to take down the rego. Then the lady responsible went into the shop and gave them her name and phone number. All good so far.
Back in the street, the lady from the homewares shop called out to say she saw it happen and took down the rego. We compared notes. She gave me an entirely different registration number and vehicle description. I'm guessing she heard rather than saw the racket and raced out to see someone driving off without leaving details. I thanked her for her time.
At home, I rang a spare parts place and got prices. I rang the phone number I had been given to let them know what they were up for and make arrangements.
Oh looky looky. In her distress little Miss I'm-So-Sorry-I've-Got-A-Child-In-The-Car-Woe-Is-Me has accidentally left the wrong phone number. A disconnected number, in fact.
At the police station the nice constable checked both sets of rego on the computer. Both match their respective descriptions. Like me, Constable Fairly Cute feels the one who gave "her name and number" is most likely responsible. That vehicle is not registered in the name that was left with the phone number. Not in itself a crime, it might very well be someone else's car. The police have filled in a report and have already called me back with a question, so they are clearly onto the case. The driver had better hope she didn't accidentally leave the wrong name as well.
I was going to buy parts the needed parts and fix the thing myself, when I thought she had done the right thing. Now I'm beginning to think it might be better to get a formal written quote that includes labor costs as well.
Needless to say it was one of those dinky little sports-suburban four wheel drives.
Must See TV
Now that George Negus is off the air (not my fault, I assure you) the dear old ABC has asked me to put together an informal chat show for them. Just a filler until they can get Denton sobered up.
( The Tenbears Show )
( The Tenbears Show )