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Now that George Negus is off the air (not my fault, I assure you) the dear old ABC has asked me to put together an informal chat show for them. Just a filler until they can get Denton sobered up.
Tenbears "Good evening and welcome to the Tenbears Show. I'm Tenbears and this is my show, but I'll be letting other people on it too. Tonight's first guest is none other than that washed-up has-been George Negus.
George, welcome to my show. Think yourself lucky to be back on the telly at all."
Negus "Thanks for having me. I'm looking forward to...."
Tenbears "Shut up. You wont be saying anything tonight. You're only here because the Abe's already paid you out 'til the end of the financial year. You owe us, so just sit there and keep your mouth shut. And keep you hands off the biscuits, they're for the quality guests."
Negus "Can I just..."
Tenbears "No. I'll summarise for you. Your latest book Pandas are Crap. Let's Kill Them is in the remainder bins already. Your new show When Petting Zoos Go Wrong has been canned after one episode. Your career is over and your track suit pants need mending."
Negus opens his mouth to speak but pauses briefly, before simply nodding. The truth is out and he knows he is beaten.
Tenbears "So without wasting any more time on this crap-ant, let get the second guest in. Ladies and gentlemen, go wild and crazy, because here comes Sigourney Weaver."
The studio audience does indeed go wild and crazy.
Tenbears "Sigourney, welcome, welcome, welcome to the show. How are you?"
Weaver "I'm old, but still incredibly sexy"
Tenbears "So true. Please help yourself to the biscuits"
Tenbears and Ms Weaver exchange the traditional show business air kiss. Negus springs to his feet with an appallingly optimistic and slightly lecherous look on his tired old face.
Weaver "Get off me, creep"
Negus "Right you are"
Negus sits down again.
Tenbears "And shut up, Negus. You speak to no-one. Do you hear me? NO-ONE."
Negus nods.
Tenbears "It's so lovely to see you again, Sigourney. How have you been and how did the trial go?"
Weaver " I've been really well thanks, how much do you know about the trial already?"
Tenbears "Only that it's been alleged that you may have struck Winona Ryder on the set of one your delightful Aliens movies."
Weaver "Nothing alleged about it. She was getting on my nerves so I slapped her senseless. Then she started crying so I slapped her some more. She kept crying and I kept slapping. She's a slow learner that girl. If Harry Dean Stanton hadn't been there I'd probably still be there, knocking her around."
Tenbears "What did he do?"
Weaver "He'd just dropped by the set to give me some cheesecake he'd made. He wadded up the bag he'd brought the cake in, and shoved it her mouth. Then he locked her in the boot of his car. Just as well, really. My arm was starting to get tired. "
Tenbears "Harry's a saint, isn't he? And so then Ryder sued you?"
Weaver "Tried to. Her lawyers might be okay at getting her off the shop lifting charges but they were a bit out of their depth on this one."
Tenbears "Do tell."
Weaver "We kept putting off the trial date and shifting venues. We eventually had the case heard in Panama. Just for the record, they do things a little differently down there."
Tenbears "Go on."
Weaver "We kicked their asses, and I mean that literally. There was a punch up in the courtroom and I slapped that girl senseless again. My attorney got her attorney in a head-lock and choked him out. Court was recessed until he came to again, and while he was unconscious I stole his briefcase."
Tenbears "What was in it?"
Weaver "The usual. A sandwich, some old Playboy magazines, a little cocaine and a packet of breathmints. Anyway, we based my defence around the fact that Ryder is an annoying little skank, and that she was lucky I left so many teeth in her head."
Tenbears "Good call."
Weaver "Yeah, I thought so, but for good measure I offered to blow the judge in return for a favourable ruling. And it worked a treat. Not only did I get off the assault charges but the court ruled that Ryder IS an annoying little skank and now I'm allowed to slap her everytime I see her. Not only that, but she had to apologise to everyone for wasting their time AND pay my legal fees and court costs. I tell you, it was a total victory. I snorted the coke, ate the sanger and gave the mints to Ryder."
Negus "What happened to the magazines?"
Tenbears "Shut up, Negus."
Negus nods.
Tenbears "And tell me, Sigourney, why did you give the mints to Ryder?"
Weaver "I told you they do things differently down there. In Panama, legal fees includes any outstanding bribes as well. Last time i saw that skinny bitch she looking to borrow a pair of knee pads."
Tenbears "How excellent. Now let's welcome our final guest. A special guest that should bring out the best in everyone"
The curtains pull back to reveal someone in an ill-fitting panda suit, performing a rather lame dance. Negus shrieks like a girl, leaps out of his seat and attempts to shield himself behind Sigourney Weaver.
Weaver "Get a grip, Negus. It's only a fucking actor in a costume."
Negus "Really?"
Tenbears and Weaver "Yes!"
Negus "We'll see about that then"
Negus puts his head down and charges the panda. The panda is too busy fumbling around to see him coming. Negus plows into the panda and they both go flying. There is a brief tussle which ends with the former Sixty Minutes reporter pinning the hapless panda to the floor. Negus starts screaming at the panda and punching it as hard as he can.
Negus "You think it's funny to scare people like that? Do you? DO YOU? How funny is it now you filthy, bamboo gobbling scumbag?"
Negus is really smacking into the bearsuit and the head rolls off. Negus is on it in a flash, kicking and punching it before throwing himself on it and tearing at it with his teath.
The headless panda struggles to sit up and the audience can now see a dazed and teary Winona Ryder.
Ryder "Whats going on. I didn't steal this suit you know. I only borrowed it. I was going to put it back before..."
Weaver "Aha! Gotcha again"
Before Ryder is fully to her feet, Weaver has raced over and starts laying into the panda suited girl with both hands.
Tenbears "Well, it's been a lovely show and I'd like to thank you all for watching. Goodnight Australia."
As the credits roll, Negus is rolling around on the floor, covered in black and white fur. He has an ear in his mouth and a crazed look in his eye. Ryder is screaming for her agent, a lawyer and some minties. Tenbears gives Ryder a biscuit. Weaver gives Tenbears a kiss on the cheek.![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
splodgenoodles appears from nowhere and gives Sigourney Weaver a wedgie.
Tenbears "Good evening and welcome to the Tenbears Show. I'm Tenbears and this is my show, but I'll be letting other people on it too. Tonight's first guest is none other than that washed-up has-been George Negus.
George, welcome to my show. Think yourself lucky to be back on the telly at all."
Negus "Thanks for having me. I'm looking forward to...."
Tenbears "Shut up. You wont be saying anything tonight. You're only here because the Abe's already paid you out 'til the end of the financial year. You owe us, so just sit there and keep your mouth shut. And keep you hands off the biscuits, they're for the quality guests."
Negus "Can I just..."
Tenbears "No. I'll summarise for you. Your latest book Pandas are Crap. Let's Kill Them is in the remainder bins already. Your new show When Petting Zoos Go Wrong has been canned after one episode. Your career is over and your track suit pants need mending."
Negus opens his mouth to speak but pauses briefly, before simply nodding. The truth is out and he knows he is beaten.
Tenbears "So without wasting any more time on this crap-ant, let get the second guest in. Ladies and gentlemen, go wild and crazy, because here comes Sigourney Weaver."
The studio audience does indeed go wild and crazy.
Tenbears "Sigourney, welcome, welcome, welcome to the show. How are you?"
Weaver "I'm old, but still incredibly sexy"
Tenbears "So true. Please help yourself to the biscuits"
Tenbears and Ms Weaver exchange the traditional show business air kiss. Negus springs to his feet with an appallingly optimistic and slightly lecherous look on his tired old face.
Weaver "Get off me, creep"
Negus "Right you are"
Negus sits down again.
Tenbears "And shut up, Negus. You speak to no-one. Do you hear me? NO-ONE."
Negus nods.
Tenbears "It's so lovely to see you again, Sigourney. How have you been and how did the trial go?"
Weaver " I've been really well thanks, how much do you know about the trial already?"
Tenbears "Only that it's been alleged that you may have struck Winona Ryder on the set of one your delightful Aliens movies."
Weaver "Nothing alleged about it. She was getting on my nerves so I slapped her senseless. Then she started crying so I slapped her some more. She kept crying and I kept slapping. She's a slow learner that girl. If Harry Dean Stanton hadn't been there I'd probably still be there, knocking her around."
Tenbears "What did he do?"
Weaver "He'd just dropped by the set to give me some cheesecake he'd made. He wadded up the bag he'd brought the cake in, and shoved it her mouth. Then he locked her in the boot of his car. Just as well, really. My arm was starting to get tired. "
Tenbears "Harry's a saint, isn't he? And so then Ryder sued you?"
Weaver "Tried to. Her lawyers might be okay at getting her off the shop lifting charges but they were a bit out of their depth on this one."
Tenbears "Do tell."
Weaver "We kept putting off the trial date and shifting venues. We eventually had the case heard in Panama. Just for the record, they do things a little differently down there."
Tenbears "Go on."
Weaver "We kicked their asses, and I mean that literally. There was a punch up in the courtroom and I slapped that girl senseless again. My attorney got her attorney in a head-lock and choked him out. Court was recessed until he came to again, and while he was unconscious I stole his briefcase."
Tenbears "What was in it?"
Weaver "The usual. A sandwich, some old Playboy magazines, a little cocaine and a packet of breathmints. Anyway, we based my defence around the fact that Ryder is an annoying little skank, and that she was lucky I left so many teeth in her head."
Tenbears "Good call."
Weaver "Yeah, I thought so, but for good measure I offered to blow the judge in return for a favourable ruling. And it worked a treat. Not only did I get off the assault charges but the court ruled that Ryder IS an annoying little skank and now I'm allowed to slap her everytime I see her. Not only that, but she had to apologise to everyone for wasting their time AND pay my legal fees and court costs. I tell you, it was a total victory. I snorted the coke, ate the sanger and gave the mints to Ryder."
Negus "What happened to the magazines?"
Tenbears "Shut up, Negus."
Negus nods.
Tenbears "And tell me, Sigourney, why did you give the mints to Ryder?"
Weaver "I told you they do things differently down there. In Panama, legal fees includes any outstanding bribes as well. Last time i saw that skinny bitch she looking to borrow a pair of knee pads."
Tenbears "How excellent. Now let's welcome our final guest. A special guest that should bring out the best in everyone"
The curtains pull back to reveal someone in an ill-fitting panda suit, performing a rather lame dance. Negus shrieks like a girl, leaps out of his seat and attempts to shield himself behind Sigourney Weaver.
Weaver "Get a grip, Negus. It's only a fucking actor in a costume."
Negus "Really?"
Tenbears and Weaver "Yes!"
Negus "We'll see about that then"
Negus puts his head down and charges the panda. The panda is too busy fumbling around to see him coming. Negus plows into the panda and they both go flying. There is a brief tussle which ends with the former Sixty Minutes reporter pinning the hapless panda to the floor. Negus starts screaming at the panda and punching it as hard as he can.
Negus "You think it's funny to scare people like that? Do you? DO YOU? How funny is it now you filthy, bamboo gobbling scumbag?"
Negus is really smacking into the bearsuit and the head rolls off. Negus is on it in a flash, kicking and punching it before throwing himself on it and tearing at it with his teath.
The headless panda struggles to sit up and the audience can now see a dazed and teary Winona Ryder.
Ryder "Whats going on. I didn't steal this suit you know. I only borrowed it. I was going to put it back before..."
Weaver "Aha! Gotcha again"
Before Ryder is fully to her feet, Weaver has raced over and starts laying into the panda suited girl with both hands.
Tenbears "Well, it's been a lovely show and I'd like to thank you all for watching. Goodnight Australia."
As the credits roll, Negus is rolling around on the floor, covered in black and white fur. He has an ear in his mouth and a crazed look in his eye. Ryder is screaming for her agent, a lawyer and some minties. Tenbears gives Ryder a biscuit. Weaver gives Tenbears a kiss on the cheek.
splodgenoodles appears from nowhere and gives Sigourney Weaver a wedgie.
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I've always wanted to do that.
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what a fabulously inappropriate insult. i've shown this to my dad, he's going to spread it around southern china for you when he gets back there tomorrow. i think it'll do much to foster cross-cultural links between our two nations.
and i know this'll get me a round-house kick in the eye socket from
OI!