Industrial Action
May. 13th, 2004 12:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tenbearsHello world.
I'm at home, hooray for me. Why is it called industrial action?
I'm at home doing sweet FA, so really it's industrial in-action.
Despite this glorious do-nothingness, I woke up this morning a bit glum. I think it has something to do with being able to lie in bed and come awake gently, because it happens on weekends as well. Too much time to think. Normally I'm out of bed, dressed and well on the way to my shit job, long before I am awake enough to think.
So this morning I resolved to take positive action. I decided to make a to-do list to keep myself too busy to think. When in doubt, make a list. It gives you something to procrastinate about. Over a cup of coffee I came up with the following list:-
-Buy the paper (it's Green Guide Day)
-Feel sorry for myself
Over another cup of coffee I realized that once again I had bitten off more than I could chew and that I would never get through the whole list in one day and I hate going without the TV guide.
So I went swimming instead. It's been a bit of a while, but I was pleased to note that I still plough up and down the tank at a more or less olympic speed. Not bad for someone that was putting away 15-30 smokes a day only 3 weeks ago. For the benefit of the bitter, flabby nay-sayers amongst you I shall spell out the formula by which I calculate "olympic speed".
First and foremost, quality timing equipment is essential for this kind of venture. Buy the most expensive sports watch you can. Don't be put off by people that call you a wanker. I bought one (a watch, that is) some years ago that was marketed as the worlds slimmest chrono. I realised that I had been a fool, lugging around those great fat chrono's all my life.
So it took me about 34 minutes to swim a kilometre. Take off 5 min or so spent arguing with the lifeguards and that's about 2 km an hour. (I was really going for it when the stupid lifeguards hauled me out of the water and started mouth-to-mouth. Apparently my freestyle is a little too free for their narrow minded, pre-conceived, swimming bigottries to cope with.)
Back to the math. 2 Km an hour means it would take about 45 min to swim 1500 metres. The 1500 metre events at the Sydney 2000 games all took about 15 minutes to run. So the winners were 3 times faster than me. So I am swimming at a third of the speed of the winner. And third is a bronze medal.
It may not be first, but at least it's a placing. As the adds used to say, just by making it to the olympics I'm already a fucking champion, so who the fuck are you to be bad mouthing my achievements, you bunch of still-life, bong-sucking, couch-crushing, no-hope couldabeens.
Anyway, since I'm now a bit of a sports legend, I'm entitled to reap the rewards, so I am now available for endorsements. For a bucket of fivers I'd be more than happy to come round to your place and tell everyone how great your breakfast cereal or underwear is.
So next time you see me feel free to compliment me on my fabulous v-shaped sports torso. Lean in close and smell me. Mmmm...chloriny, non-smoking goodness. Offer me some hot, hot sports groupie sex and get a bonus slap in the face from the violently jealous![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
splodgenoodles. It's all good.
Recommended Reading
===================
If you are having any trouble following the complex mathematical concepts here, feel free to contactvonstrassburg and have it explained. Not only does he have a bunch of degrees in numbery stuff, he is famous for his abilities to suffer fools gladly, in exchange for money. He works mainly for government departments.
For a decidedly alternate view, tryerudito. He is an economist, and therefore trained to make the most ridiculous things sound rational. He currently earns a living beating children with sticks.
I'm at home, hooray for me. Why is it called industrial action?
I'm at home doing sweet FA, so really it's industrial in-action.
Despite this glorious do-nothingness, I woke up this morning a bit glum. I think it has something to do with being able to lie in bed and come awake gently, because it happens on weekends as well. Too much time to think. Normally I'm out of bed, dressed and well on the way to my shit job, long before I am awake enough to think.
So this morning I resolved to take positive action. I decided to make a to-do list to keep myself too busy to think. When in doubt, make a list. It gives you something to procrastinate about. Over a cup of coffee I came up with the following list:-
-Buy the paper (it's Green Guide Day)
-Feel sorry for myself
Over another cup of coffee I realized that once again I had bitten off more than I could chew and that I would never get through the whole list in one day and I hate going without the TV guide.
So I went swimming instead. It's been a bit of a while, but I was pleased to note that I still plough up and down the tank at a more or less olympic speed. Not bad for someone that was putting away 15-30 smokes a day only 3 weeks ago. For the benefit of the bitter, flabby nay-sayers amongst you I shall spell out the formula by which I calculate "olympic speed".
First and foremost, quality timing equipment is essential for this kind of venture. Buy the most expensive sports watch you can. Don't be put off by people that call you a wanker. I bought one (a watch, that is) some years ago that was marketed as the worlds slimmest chrono. I realised that I had been a fool, lugging around those great fat chrono's all my life.
So it took me about 34 minutes to swim a kilometre. Take off 5 min or so spent arguing with the lifeguards and that's about 2 km an hour. (I was really going for it when the stupid lifeguards hauled me out of the water and started mouth-to-mouth. Apparently my freestyle is a little too free for their narrow minded, pre-conceived, swimming bigottries to cope with.)
Back to the math. 2 Km an hour means it would take about 45 min to swim 1500 metres. The 1500 metre events at the Sydney 2000 games all took about 15 minutes to run. So the winners were 3 times faster than me. So I am swimming at a third of the speed of the winner. And third is a bronze medal.
It may not be first, but at least it's a placing. As the adds used to say, just by making it to the olympics I'm already a fucking champion, so who the fuck are you to be bad mouthing my achievements, you bunch of still-life, bong-sucking, couch-crushing, no-hope couldabeens.
Anyway, since I'm now a bit of a sports legend, I'm entitled to reap the rewards, so I am now available for endorsements. For a bucket of fivers I'd be more than happy to come round to your place and tell everyone how great your breakfast cereal or underwear is.
So next time you see me feel free to compliment me on my fabulous v-shaped sports torso. Lean in close and smell me. Mmmm...chloriny, non-smoking goodness. Offer me some hot, hot sports groupie sex and get a bonus slap in the face from the violently jealous
splodgenoodles. It's all good.Recommended Reading
===================
If you are having any trouble following the complex mathematical concepts here, feel free to contact
vonstrassburg and have it explained. Not only does he have a bunch of degrees in numbery stuff, he is famous for his abilities to suffer fools gladly, in exchange for money. He works mainly for government departments.For a decidedly alternate view, try
erudito. He is an economist, and therefore trained to make the most ridiculous things sound rational. He currently earns a living beating children with sticks.
